Giving Up Control
by Smilis
Summary: A one shot. Arizona needs to talk to her wife after her run in with Doctor Boswell. She finally needs to open up. If you can't lose control with your wife then with who can you?


**Title:** Giving up Control

**Author:** Smilis

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately I don't own any of the characters I'm just borrowing them for a little while.

**Summary:** A one shot. Ok, Arizona needs to talk to her wife after her run in with Doctor Boswell. She finally needs to open up. If you can't lose control with your wife then with who can you?

**Feedback:** Yes please!

**AN:** So, this is a one shot about all the craziness which was the season finale. At least this made me feel a little better. Hope you might enjoy it.

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**Giving Up Control**

"Calliope? Calliope! Can I talk to you?" Arizona was anxious and in a hurry. She had sat the better part of an hour in the bathroom trying to think of what had happened. The weather was horrible and she knew she really should be on the PEDS floor but right now her priorities lied elsewhere. She had always prided herself with her ability to separate her personal life crises and her work but right now she couldn't even begin to care about her career or the lives she might save. Her entire world was crumbling around her and she just needed her wife. She just needed to explain, to tell her. Tell her everything.

_What have I done?_ She simply couldn't begin to understand what she had done, all she ever wanted was to be the woman her wife once fell in love with. She knew Calliope loved her but she doubted she was _in love_ with her at least that's what she thought_. It's never too late. I can change!_

"Arizona, what are you doing here? I've looked everywhere for you. Boswell and Karev need your help. I've got to get to the ER" Callie was running. She had been paged to the ER and right now she didn't have time for her wife no matter how upset she looked but as she saw Arizona had been crying she stopped.

"Calliope, please, let's just talk. Arizona tried to keep the tears at bay but when she looked at her beautiful wife she couldn't keep them in. "Please"

"But, we have emergencies. We have to go. This has to wait. I'm sorry but we have to go. Come on." Callie grabbed Arizona's arm and started to drag her along.

"The first day. I thought they would come the first day but it took four days before they even found us," Arizona managed to squish out. Her entire body felt on fire, her leg ached and she could hardly breathe. This was it. This. Was. It!

Callie stopped. Her breath caught and she was sure she was dreaming. This was so not the time. So not the time and yet it was the perfect time. What with everything happening all around the city it was the perfect time. She made a quick, hasty decision and in a matter of seconds she had them both in her office, had called the chief and told him they were unavailable. Her job, _saving others_, was suddenly not the most important thing to her. Her wife was. The chief was NOT impressed.

"Arizona?" She focused on her wife.

"Calliope, I need you to listen to me. Hear it all. Please don't leave. I love you, so, so much. She was pacing but then she stopped just in front on Callie and looked her in the eyes. "Calliope, I love you so incredible much. I don't know how I'm going to survive without you."

She couldn't keep still so she resumed her pacing trying to think of a way to start her speech. She had always been good with speeches but right now she felt as if her life was depending on what she said. Remembering a time when life was easy and she skipped through her days with a smile on her lips she realized that this time there were no back doors, no short cuts just the honest truth.

"I'm a good man in a storm. I'm who my father raised me to be." She looked thoughtful at the Latina then she stopped in front of her again and looked at her. "At least, that's what I used to be. I used to be a good man in a storm and my father used to be proud of me." She grabbed a bottle of water from the table, released a heavy breath because now there was no turning back. She had read somewhere about categorizing people, some people drove the train, some watched it just pass them by and some people were lying on the rails waiting for the train to run them over. She didn't think she was lying on the rails, not yet anyway, but she was not in the driving seat and now, now it was time to take it back. She was in control of her live. She was!

"I was so angry with Alex. "He was going to leave me. Leave me after all I'd done for him. If it wasn't for me, Hopkins wouldn't have wanted him." She returned to her angry pacing. She couldn't keep still. And her leg was aching. "He just accepted, threw me away like he was finished with me and yet he thought that I'd let him do the surgery. How could I possibly let him do it after he betrayed the hospital that way? After he betrayed me!" She stared at her wife. "He fucking betrayed me!"

Callie stared at her wife with wide eyes. She wanted to say something but thought better of it. Exactly what was she supposed to say? _Grow up? Take credit for making him so good that Hopkins wants him? Be happy for him? We are teachers?_ No, she stayed silent. She suddenly realized that Arizona was giving up control, was letting her walls fall, and was letting her in. _Oh my God_!

"I felt betrayed and so hurt. I really thought we were gonna be the best of the best. He is made for pediatrics." She took a calming breath. "I'm made for PEDS." Her dimples popped out. "And together we would have been unstoppable. I and Bailey would have been amazing but Karev, unstoppable." She smiled. "I jumped on that plane in anger and frustration. I wanted to show him that he couldn't play with me like he did."

Callie was stunned but she remained silent and waited. She had waited so long for this and now when it was upon her she was afraid. Afraid of what she might actually hear.

Arizona sat down on the couch. It was a rather comfy couch and she had a full view of the room. Especially the door. She needed to have the door in her view. Just in case. Her wife was sitting in one of the armchairs staring at her. She could see her mind spinning but with a total focus on her. _Why hadn't she done this earlier? If she had, it would never have gotten to this point. Never!_

"It was shaky. Turbulence Jerry said." She laughed. "Turbulence my ass. One moment we were in the air, the next I was outside on the ground staring at my bones. It hurt like hell and all I could focus on was that the bones were sticking out of my leg. The bones were sticking out of my fucking leg." She rubbed her thigh. "Bones are supposed to be inside the legs. Or arms. Or anything. Not fucking outside." She blinked back a couple of lone tears. She needed to be in control in order to lose control.

"Oh my God that feels amazing." She had had an itch between her toes since forever and right now she was scratching with all her might.

Callie was beginning to get afraid for her wife. She couldn't keep her eyes from her wife's hand which was rubbing hard on her prosthesis.

"Some idiot was screaming like she wanted to wake the dead." She looked over to her wife. "It wasn't till Cristina told me to shut up that I realized it was me who was screaming."

They sat in silence for a while. Callie didn't want to break the spell they were under afraid that Arizona would withdraw if she said something. Arizona needed a moment to just catch up with her breathing. Outside the storm was raging and the light blinked but stayed on. The silence was deafening.

"I splinted my own leg. Cristina offered but she wasn't really there. They wanted to go look for the others. We weren't friends. I wasn't one of them." She looked over again towards Callie. "Calliope, look at me." When she had the Latina's focus she continued. "I knew." Her hands were unconsciously rubbing her thighs. "We were in the middle of nowhere, my bones were sticking out and I knew. I knew the moment I started to splint my leg that I would lose it. I knew they were going to cut it off. I knew!"

Callie couldn't hold in her tears. As she heard her wife say she knew, the tears just fell of their own. She wanted so badly to hold her, to ask questions but she didn't dare interrupt. Arizona needed this. She needed this. She just never expected it to be so hard.

Arizona shifted her gaze back to the door. She wanted to leave, to flee. She felt caged and she didn't really want to do it right here but then again, _exactly where_ would have been the better place? It was hard this opening up to people and yet she wanted to, needed to.

"Lexie didn't come back with them. Mark was crying and Meredith, she wasn't there. I didn't understand until I was told. Sweet Little Grey was dead, buried under the fucking plane. She was conscious when they found her but you know." A sad smile spread over her face. "Being a doctor she knew. She knew she was already dead."

She studied the walls. She had been in her wife's office more than once but hadn't actually looked at her walls. She usually was otherwise engaged. Her dimples popped out again as she thought about all the times she had surprised her wife on this couch. Last time had been shortly before the crash. She had had a rough shift with two kids dying and she needed to let out her frustration. Running home, picking up new clothes and some toys she had rushed over to Callie's office, set it up and then she had paged Callie to her office. When Callie had come through the door she had simply locked it and taken advantage. She could still remember how good it felt to take Callie on the couch, over the desk and against the wall, pounding into her like there was no tomorrow. That was the last time she'd used the strap on. She wondered if she had the strength to use it now like she did then. So much had changed.

Photos adorned the walls, pictures of her, her and Sofia and of their full family. Her own office was empty of personal items. Once upon a time there had been photos but after the crash she just couldn't look at all those _happy_ pictures. So, she had taken them all down. They were still in her office, just locked inside the last drawer. It felt good because when she was there she didn't have to pretend everything was alright. The room vas depersonalized and so she could be detached from her family. It felt _good_.

"We survived purely because of Cristina. She made us drink, stay alive and she saved Mark's life. He made me promise." She looked over at her wife again. "He made me promise to come back home so I could take care of Sofia. So I could be a mother to her and a wife to you. He made me promise to fight no matter what happened because you needed me. And I needed you. I still need you."

She stood up. She needed to move, just a little bit. Sitting down made her itchy all over and she did not feel particularly in control. Better to stand.

"I was so glad that Mark slipped into unconsciousness. We all heard the wolves. Yet again it was Cristina that told us it was better her than us." She heard a deep gasp and turned to face her wife. "Yes, Callie, we all heard the wolves tear Lexie's body apart. Meredith was trying to get the others to go with her to help Lexie but Cristina just slapped her and told her it was her or us. That silenced her." She searched for Callie's eyes but the Latina was avoiding her gaze.

"You think you know what happened. What we went through but you weren't there. You weren't there when Cristina picked the bugs out of my leg. You didn't get to smell the stench of rotten flesh and you didn't get to sit there waiting on a rescue team only to know that nothing would ever be the same. A piece of me, all of us, died that night. You didn't get to fight for Mark even though you knew it was too late." She paused. They had agreed to never speak of that. Somehow Cristina, Meredith, Derek and her had bonded. They weren't friends before, they weren't friends now but they were something. But this was her wife and if she was going to salvage her marriage she needed to be honest.

"The third day we heard the wolves again, only this time they were closer. Cristina checked on Mark and called on Jerry. He answered but Mark, being unconscious, didn't and she started to drag him away. I grabbed hold of his arm but I was weak. I'd been coughing blood and the smell from my leg was dizzying. She told me that he was next. That he wasn't going to make it and she would sacrifice him so the rest of us could live. I begged her, threatened her but she wouldn't budge. In the end it wasn't necessary to sacrifice him but she would have done it if needed."

"But he was still alive?" Callie was horrified and she just had to comment. She couldn't understand how Arizona could have kept all of this inside. Why hadn't she talked to anybody? She was obviously not well. She resolved to see to it that Arizona made an appointment with a therapist. There was only so much she could do.

"He was, yes." She sat down again. There was still so much to tell and she was tired and hungry. There was no chance however in getting any food. The storm was still raging and going out of the room was going to break this thing they were under. She wasn't sure she would have the courage to bring it up again if she didn't finish.

"Cristina asked me if I knew. That third day after she had tried to drag Mark away she asked me if I knew. She was sitting beside me picking out various bugs from the inside of my leg. The last of the antiseptics were used and the smell was absolutely disgusting. She told me to prepare to lose the leg. That not even you were going to be able to save it. That it was already too late and had been for a while." She stared at her hands. Her wedding ring was still there. She usually took it off for her shifts but lately she had felt the need to have it on, to remind herself that she was married, to remind herself not to do anything stupid. _Yeah, like that did any good!_

"I told her I knew. I told her that I knew you wouldn't be able to save it and I told her that it didn't matter as long as I was going home alive. Being alive was better than being dead." She wanted to flee. The bright room felt so dark and she could hear the wolves, like she was actually out there in the woods again. She shivered. Now was not the time to have a panic attack.

"I think we had all but given up when the rescue team came. That was the last day. Another day and we would all have come home in body bags. They found what was left of Lexie but it really wasn't that much. It took another eight hours before we were safely inside a hospital but just knowing we were safe and were going to live, I think made us so alive and happy." She paused. "And conflicted. One of us was dead. How do you get over that?" She felt relieved. She had been able to talk about the crash and it felt good. She felt good, well she felt better that before. But the next part would be just as hard. She knew how she had treated Callie and she knew it was wrong but she couldn't take it back and she didn't want to because Callie was her scapegoat.

"I withheld consent because I needed someone to blame. I told them no so I could find a scapegoat. Someone to take the blame for the crash. I was happy I was alive but the panic of being a cripple was already there and I didn't want to make the decision to be an invalid. I needed someone else to make that decision so I withheld consent. With you promising you gave me permission to hate you." She knew what she had just said but hoped that Callie wouldn't comment because she needed to talk and get it all out. With every word she said she felt a little bit better. It was good to get it all out in the open.

Callie openly cried. She had no idea how she was going to survive this ordeal. It was so extremely hard to hear. Her soul was tearing in two bits. One was strangely enough fine, it understood Arizona's reasoning and thought it was ok, the other part was angry and upset. How could Arizona do this to her? How could she think it was ok to blame her wife? She both wanted to strangle Arizona and hug her. She did understand that Arizona needed to talk about this so she kept quiet even if it killed her inside to do so. She would get her chance.

"It's crazy. It's fucking crazy to go on a plane and come home in a body bag, or without a leg or not knowing if you're going to be able to operate again. It's the safest way to travel but yet we crashed because someone forgot to check it out. The plane crashed because it wasn't safe and what happened? The hospital has to pay for what they did and yet WE have to buy the fucking thing so people can keep their jobs and so we won't have to have some stupid manuals to follow. How the hell could we buy a fucking hospital?" She looked at Callie. "We could have gone to Spain." She didn't really want to buy it in the first place but she had been talked into it. She shook her head.

"When I woke up and saw that I was missing a leg that's when I started to resent myself. It was so much easier to hate you, blame you, resent you than to deal with all the conflicting emotions I had. That I still have. We've never really communicated, just, you know, glossed over things. Hating you was easier than hating myself. And all of the others, they didn't have any problems. Derek was back in business and their life didn't really change. But mine? Everything about my life changed. Everything changed." She was crying. She had told her wife that she hated her and still that wasn't enough, still that wasn't all she had done. She had done so many things and so much worse things.

The photo of her and Sofia on the wall was so telling. It had been a warm and sunny day and everything had been perfect. It was before the plane crash. She and Sofia were playing in the grass and Callie had just taken a few quick snap shots. She was happy, her dimples were in full bloom and her eyes laughed. It was before the crash. Before the end of the perky, happy PEDS surgeon who believed in magic and fairy dust and who had different stories for each kid, who did big surgeries on tiny humans and who stood before some weird group of doctors and made them believe the same.

"Arizona?" Arizona looked up. She didn't expect Callie to interrupt. She was so engrossed in her own world, her own feelings.

"Arizona, it doesn't matter what you tell me. I love you. I love you Arizona and I will never willingly let you go. I will fight for you. No matter what. No matter what you have done."

Arizona couldn't keep quiet and sobbed uncontrolled. She wasn't worthy of Callie's words. She had done so many things, so many hurtful and hateful words and actions. But when Callie was there, on her knees in front of her cradling her in her arms she couldn't stop all the tears and sobs from coming. It felt so good. She knew she wasn't fair. Callie was still holding them together despite knowing that at some point her wife, who had stood before all their friends and proclaimed her love for all eternity, had hated her.

"I'm so sorry. So sorry. Forgive me Calliope. Please I'm so sorry." Callie simply held her wife. She was to blame as well for this. Had she just seen Arizona's struggle she could have helped. She should have seen this coming. She had seen people struggle after losing a limb. For crying out loud, she _was_ an orthopedic surgeon. She should have known. No one survives a plane crash without consequences. Not even her strong, good man in a storm wife who never needed anybody. Arizona was going to get through this. They were going to get through this. All of it.

Arizona's sobs lessened and she dried her eyes and looked her wife in the eyes. She had done so many things and she had to get them all out so that they could begin to heal. She just hoped that Callie would still want to be there when all was said and done. "I love you Calliope." She settled down again and this time Callie sat down next to her. She was like a big security blanket always there to keep her safe and loved.

"Every hurtful word made me feel just a little bit better. Knowing you were hurt made me feel not so angry. I tried to deal with it but it felt so good to hear you cry when I said things. I did blame you for breaking your promise. And I, I wanted to break my promise to you. Break you like you broke me. I know you did what you had to but right then it felt good. Now I feel miserable. As the months past I couldn't get over it but I found that acting like I was over it made it just a little bit easier. At Bailey's wedding I was all up for giving you sex just so you would stay with me but I couldn't go through with it. I still felt so conflicted and I was sure you didn't really find me attractive." She shifted so she sat watching Callie. Callie's eyes were wet with tears and Arizona could see her working her way through her words trying to understand.

"You're my wife, you have to find me attractive, sexy and stunning but I knew I was just an amputee not really worthy of feeling attractive and that night I thought I could overcome that but I couldn't so I told you no. Before the crash people looked at me but after the crash all everybody ever saw was that damn leg. Not the sexy me who was stunning. I was, I am just a cripple." She took a sip of the water. The weather really was awful. She wondered if they ever would go back to their easygoing relationship were they danced it out or went on hot dates where everybody turned their heads just to catch a glimpse of them. What about pizza?_ In bed_.

She still remembered that night, their first night together. _Who eats cold pizza in bed? _People crazy in love! People who just can't get enough of each other. That still was the best night in her life. Not because of the pizza, or the sex even though that had been amazing. It was because she got to spend it with her future wife and even if she didn't know that at the time she had known that what they shared was very special.

"People change you know. Before, we could go out and people would stare at us. Women, men, would come and try and hit on me and I would tell them about you. My amazingly beautiful wife who made me complete and was practically sex on legs. I would point you out and they were like ok sorry to have bothered you. But now, nobody hits on me, nobody tells me I'm sexy. I love you but I miss other people's appreciation. It meant that even if I was unavailable I was still hot. I just for one second wanted someone to notice me, make me feel sexy and hot. It didn't mean anything except that I still had it. If someone else thought of me as hot then maybe you did as well." She stared up at the ceiling. She didn't really want to know what Callie thought of her sort-of-admission but she heard the gasp and she felt the shift on the couch as the Latina moved a little bit away from her.

"You know I love women, a gold star here. I love everything about women but there is something about the legs you know. Fine nicely shaped legs can make any woman look hot and I lost that. You can't go around saying _Oh my, what a fine nicely shaped leg you have_, it's legs or not at all. I don't have _fine nicely shaped legs_ anymore. I have _a_ leg. Not legs and _they_ are not nicely shaped any longer. I just wanted to feel attractive again." She was almost done. The hours had passed and she had finally told her wife just about everything. She felt relieved. Maybe she would put up the photos again. They shouldn't be in a drawer. They were beautiful and deserved their place on the walls. Memories shouldn't be locked away.

"You were always so careful. Never touch the limb always asking if this or this was ok. Where was our aggressive-way-out-of-control love making? It was always gentle. Yes mind-blowingly good but you never took me like you wanted to devour me. You touched me like I was fragile and it made me think you didn't want me anymore. I was damaged goods. Well, I am, actually." She stood up for a moment, paced a little and settled on the table in front of her wife so she could look at her while she finished.

"I have phantom pains. It itches and I scratch. I sometimes forget that I miss one leg and I fall down or limp. Sometimes it aches like you wouldn't believe it and I want to hit someone over the head with it. I still feel resentment towards Karev and sometimes I wish you would have let me die. I hate that I'm never going to be able to be the mother Sofia needs because I can't do all the stuff like I used to."

Callie really was torn. How could she not have seen this? But Arizona hadn't really showed any weakness except blaming her for everything. She didn't know what to think about all this. _Why know?_ _What was the trigger?_ Maybe it didn't matter what it was. Arizona had finally opened up.

"Arizona, I never wanted to make you…"

"No Callie let me finish. I need to finish this now."

"When Doctor Boswell started flirting with me I was flattered. Someone paid attention to me. Made me feel beautiful and hot. I deflected her intentions but she wouldn't let up. She just kept telling me I was hot and all the things she already knew about me. She had googled me, you know. I wanted her. Not her her, but her attention. It was like being filled with all this happy thoughts so you could fly. And I did. I flew so high on her attention. If she could make me feel this good with just her words how would her actions feel?"

"Oh God!" Callie was trying to get away but Arizona kept her in place.

"I showed her the on call rooms because she insisted. I knew what she had in mind and I felt excited. Like old times, sneaking around and having my way in the on call rooms. Like _we_ used to. When the lights flickered she kissed me. And I didn't stop her, not right away. Not until I realized it wasn't you and when the light came back on and she told me it was ok. That she wasn't going to say anything, that it was ok to lose control and that she wanted me. That's when I bolted, threw up in the bathroom and came looking for you. That's when I realized that as much as I want to be ok I'm not because the Arizona who is a good man in a storm would never, ever cheat, not ever kiss another woman. And that's when I realized that I need help and I need to open up because Calliope, you are the love or my life, my other half and I need you so much. If I have to lose control I want it to be with you"

The End


End file.
